When HE Allows

Wow. He goes before me and prepares a table for me in the midst of my enemies. It has been almost a year to the day that my ex asked me for a divorce.. As painful as it was for me to accept, I put on my brave face and walked out of a dysfunctional marriage and  away from co-dependent relationships. They keep you in a cycle of self-protection and a damaged view of self. We long to be seen yet all we have known is to keep up the wall: to “risk” further pain because if you really knew me you may not accept me. I will show you my talents, my gifting, and somehow believe they give deep connections and vulnerability. But the deep desire to be seen and fully known is still empty and void without my heart’s expression and longing for a voice to be heard. I still wait to be noticed even if it is a place I don’t have real connection. I can at least shut down the voice of not being enough, shame and the fear of disconnect.

As I went through a year of people leaving my life and as painful as it was, I felt the Lord say “Zerubbabel sit in the rubbish.”

What was His hearts desire I ask.. for He is my Lord, and the only voice I desire to follow.

Zech 4:7 “Who are thou, O great mountain before Zerubbabel, thou shall become a plain, and He shall bring forth the head stone thereof with shouting, crying, “Grace, Grace” unto it.”

Matt 1:12, Babylon the head of the tribe of Judah at the time of the return from the Babylonish captivity in the first year of Cyrus . The history of  Zerubbabel in the scriptures is as follows. In the first year of Cyrus he was a Babylonian and was recognized prince of Judah in the captivity; what in the later times was called the prince of capitivity of the prince. On the issuing of Cyrus’ decree he immediately availed himself of it and placed himself at the head of those of the countrymen whose spirit God had raised to go up to build the house of the Lord.

As He spoke rebuild the walls I appointed you to be a Prophet to the nations, I wept..

“The ancient paths is where I will meet you.” The Lord would say “Stand at the crossroads and look. Ask for the ancient paths, ‘Where is the good way?’ Then walk in it and find rest for your souls.’ Mans ways are leaning to the mind, will, and emotions. Gods ways are; hear my voice and follow in it. The ancient paths and the well trodden paths that lead to life are found in the bible. When we have always been programmed to think a certain way to heal we must allow the pruning process to cut away the ways of the flesh. The way that produces death and no life or fruit remains. “Endure the pruning season.” That sounds like the circumcision of the heart.

I will say in this year-long fight to walk in the new wine, the crushing, and the breaking of my heart so much came to the surface. He sat with me on the ash heap and transformed me to His trophy of His Grace. The word that was written on tablets of stones was now engraved on my heart so that I would experience them at such a deep level. As though He was digging a deeper well and roots were going down deeper into a solid foundation, one that could not be shaken or taken from me.

I call this “Identity”; set apart for His purpose, no longer I that live, but Christ within me who became my well, the fountain that never runs dry, and creates streams in the desert places.

He said “Crystal I want you unto myself.. A place where no man will be able to take credit for what I am doing in your life.”

Isolation is that which is separated unto the Holy One. Rebuilding began.

‘Why have you not released me in my wisdom its a protection’, He says. He would say, ‘daughter, not enough have seen you fail, walk away from you, not enough choose to obey and Hear only my voice and rely only on me.”

His plan stands forever. Walk in His peace, even if you can’t see. We are walking in appointed times; Holy encounters, Holy moments, times were the only comfort I will receive is from Him. Wait on Him. He has plans that will blow your mind. He says, ‘only hear my  voice, I want a pure vessel without mixture. When I speak you will have clear perception of what my heart is without earthly senses. You will speak on my behalf bringing  Heaven to earth.”

Well ok, what does that look like? It looks like, when I bring you to a table of those who turned their back on you, and you represent me. Kingdom living Righteousness; Peace and Joy in the Holy Spirit. Let me pave a way in your heart to “BE” Christ.

In His infinite wisdom how will I know I passed the test. Hum, well this is where GOD LOVE really gets in action. When all my accusers are in the same room. Well, it may be perception. It is the way it happens when people end relationships, there are those who takes sides.. God makes me laugh.

Not only did He bring me to a banqueting table to sit with the very ones who spoke to end my relationship but also to be with the ones we broke bread with. It was such a moment of “JOY’ when I heard the voice of Identity from the Father as He said, ‘I have prepared you for this.  HOW do you want to be remembered in this time, in mans ways or by the ancient paths?”

Yes, I hear Your voice LOVE thy neighbor as yourself. Yes, I’m no longer an empty cup needing to be filled. I am a vessel of honor; refined, purged, purified to speak and release Heaven on earth. Yes, I ate from the tree in the garden called LIFE, not of thre tree of good and evil.  If men never qualify see or even acknowledged you. I promise it is producing and eternal weight of His Glory. He knows and sees the hearts of man. I long to know Him even in the fellowship of His sufferings. It is in the Fire that He makes me Like Him.. We carry the death burial and the resurrection of Christ in us. Until He is all you see in me. He says, I am dark but I am lovely and He loves me just the way I am for He sees me. His eternal Bride. May all we do echo eternity…..